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And the Interworkings of a Caged Mind

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It's the last day of school and I'm feeling pretty good. I finally woke up. I had my 2nd to last exam this morning and I keep falling asleep! I know, I'm so bad and I probably didn't do so well either. The last 1 (English) I accidentally didn't follow the directions which also probably hurt my grade. But at this point, I just want to chillax and clear my mind of stress and unpleasant thoughts. I just can't CAN NOT focus on that right now. I don't think I can handle thinking negative thoughts or worrying or predicting what (bad things) will happen. I got some ice cream, but because there was no strawberry, I didn't really eat it. I had planned to just get up the courage and ask "B" out. But of course the only time I saw him, he was already moving to his car and I started having a panic attack (I know, I know, how lame, right?). I just hope my summer is much better. I brought my digital camera and took lots of pics and since everyone kept bothering me about it, I've decided to create my first "album" on the website we're all addicted to. I had a pretty in-depth talk with Matt, the boy Jenee' has been obsessing over since the beginning of time. Personally, he's never been my type, you know I've never been that attracted to boys who ONLY seem to be attracted to white girls, and UGLY WHITE GIRLS at that. So, he was like, "Yeah, I know you be talking about me." SO, I shrugged and told him (as if it was the first time) about how annoying him and his taste is. He swore he wasn't into white girls anymore. Mmmhmm, we'll see how long that'll last. Jenee' and I sat out on the swings an had a really long talk mostly abut her feelings for Matt, the games he plays, and her issues with she-who-must-not-be-named. They've known each other forever and she-who-must-not-be-named has been a less than god friend, try a bitchy back-stabbing one. Well, my mom's here, so I guess I'll have to finsh this up later.
Current Mood:
calm Chillaxed
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I'm so fucking tired! Tired of watching my parents shower my disobedient, self-absorbed, and cruel little sister with gifts when all I get is promises and speaches about how they're too poor to get me such and such. Damnit! It's not fair! And now anytime I talk about it, I just end up ranting and ranting because I just kept this all inside and now I'm struggling to keep myself from bursting into tears from exasperation. Right now, I'm pretty chill because I'm listening to a lil hip-hop on the radio and it's really helping to calm me down. Also, I found out the Advanced class I had to petition to get into (I'm already in the advanced feeder-class for it and the fact that I still had to petition to get in shows how much I was struggling in that class) has accepted me. That means BOTH the advanced classes I petitioned to get into accepted me! I'm so happy! My hand is starting to cramp and convulse because today and yesterday we had exams and I still have to take two more on Monday. My poor hand has had to write way too many essays in way too short a time. My sister's birthday was May 23rd and my parents gave her a dog and a handheld PSP. She already has a damn I-pod, while my ass is still wodering why the fuck I have to make due with a fucked up CD player my mom broke and then promised to replace (I have yet to see that promise fulfilled). *SIGH!* It's just not fair! My mom always used to say, "Life isn't fair" when I was little and would ask why they always gave my sister such and such and me practically nothing. Now, I guess she just figures I'm so worthless I don't even deserve that bullshit response; she doesn't even bother to answer me anymore. I've been asking for a dog for as long as I can remember and now my sister has gotten one, and the dog belongs to just her - no one else.
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I am so tired. It's just so hot today. When I heard it was going to be 90 degrees today, I thought it couldn't be true, but now all I can think about is getting some nice, cold ice cream. I'm still at school - what else is new - and I couldn't want to be farther away from any other place more. I'm so sick of bull shit. It's too hot to be antagonized, but does that mean I've been left alone? No. I failed my math test and it's the last one before grades are due, so that's exciting. I haven't gotten the grade back for it, but I don't need to, I knew I failed when everyone got a copy of the test except for me. I had to go up to the front of the room and we only had 30 minutes to take the test in the first place. I don't always do well on tests, but when it comes to Math I might as well be handing in a paper covered in Chinese characters. As in, my thought process looks foreign after I write it down on my math tests. Our big math project is due tomorrow and all I know is that I'm going to work extra hard on it so that it looks good when I turn it in tomorrow. I also have to REALLY study hard for my exams so that my final grades will resemble good grades in what? two weeks? *Sigh* It's starting to close in on me. And George is getting on my LAST nerve! He thinks I like him, but the truth is I think he looks too much like a damn orangutan for my tastes. He acts like he's the shit or something and he treats me like crap, not all of the time, but too often all the same. And I refuse to be talked down to or mistreated by ANYBODY. So, even if I did like him, it'd be over in a heartbeat. And Evan keeps getting in my damn face when he knows Kelcie throws a fit (at me, of course). She is so blind. She thinks I'm interested in her ashy, too-tall, lanky, broke-ass excuse for a boyfriend, but she has it super twisted. He comes around bothering ME. I'm not happy about it, but it is the truth. I'm interested in "B" still, but I don't know. I'm just ridiculous. I still haven't gotten the courage to talk to him. When the fuck will I ever get it together?! I want to talk to him so bad, but I can't. I keep making excuses when I see a perfect opportunity to do it, but I shouldn't I know. It's just so messed up. The silver lining on the cloud that was my day was that I got a 100% on the final vocab test. I didn't study either. But some things (such as History and English) just come naturally to me. Today was also "Prize day" where "exceptional students were recognized". BULL SHIT. And I'm not just saying that because I wasn't one of those "exceptional students". I say it because it's true. Only two black students received awards and other than that, the same six people kept receiving awards. It was tedious and I had to sit in the front because I helped hand out programs. It was supposed to be a reward but it was only a nuisance because I couldn't fall asleep without the speakers seeing me. I'm really bored right now. And I really need to get home because no one is here and I need to begin working on my math project that will be so good it'll bump my grade to an "A". Or so I hope.The hardest part will be doing the math. Because I'm not very good at math. I'm considering taking classes over the summer in Math and Spanish (my two weakest subjects) and perhaps a Black Studies or History course for fun. I don't know. Now I'm just rambling on because I'm really bored and I'm beginning to feel too drained to continue typing. Well, until we meet again...
Current Mood:
hot hot AND tired!
Current Music:
Bumpin' Hip-Hop (dat good from da club)
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Yeah, I haven't exactly written in here lately and I feel bad, but right now I'm still at school and I have a little free time so here goes. At this moment, what do I feel? Nothing, really. I feel a little drained of emotion and I'm starting to get in a bad mood, I can feel it. My mother is being a bitch, but what else is new, huh? On Sunday, I'll be meeting with the people at the girls' home for an interview. I'm still a little scared of going to live with a bunch of strangers, but my family (especially my mom and dad) are driving me crazy! They're so annoying. I'm still scared to talk to B and at this point, I can't help but feel discouraged. When will I just fucking grow up and go talk to him?! I'm frustrated, but really it's because tonight is the recognition dinner for George Washington Carver House, my favorite non-profit organization to volunteer with and like I said, I'm still at school and my mom is saying she MIGHT come at around 6:30 and I'm not sure, but I think the dinner starts at 6 o'clock or 6:30, so of course I'll be later - as usual. I hate her. School is coming to an end and I'm just trying my hardest not to slack off, so I can finish strong. I dunno about anything right now. I'm really not able to focus. I feel so restless. I'm listening to the radio on I-Tunes and I just want something to do. To feel occupied and to help my mind sort-of untangle and be able to see things clearly. I guess I'll write more later.
Current Mood:
blank blank
Current Music:
Random Songs
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Yeah, so today I talked with Sr. Pat about going to live in a girls' home for girls who can't live with their family anymore. I admit I'm a little scared. Living with a bunch of strangers? But I'm sick of all the crap I keep going through with my mom and I dunno, I guess it doesn't hurt to look into it. Sr. Pat talked to my mom and I was a little scared about what the outcome would be. The last time something like this happened my mom's friend offered to take my sister and I, but my mom freaked out. She went crazy. I don't want a repeat of that, but I want to be away from her so bad. My mom was told that it was a girls' home for academically advanced girls so of course she got excited. I'm excited, too. But at this point I'm also so confused. In two days will be the movie night I planned at my school which was practically a miracle in itself seeing as how I go to a predominantly-white school and I wanted to show the movie "Crash", which is an incredibly racially controversial film. SO, I'm proud of myself. I just hope now I get a little more confidence because I haven't had the guts to talk to "B" lately and I know it must seem weird to him that my friend who just broke up with her BF is doing it. But I'm the one who likes him, she's just saying "hi" because I'm too much of a wimp to. It's so stupid. I should be proud and walk up to him with confidence because I know that he needs me. But instead I feel so insecure. Well, right now I'm listening to a mixed Gospel CD and it's really helping me to feel relaxed. I love Gospel music. I really do. It's so calming. I also have started eating after 5 p.m. Before then, I won't eat. This is what I ate:

Friday: Breakfast - nothing; Lunch - 1 taco, 3 grapes, 3 pizza slices; Dinner - nothing

Saturday: Breakfast - nothing; Lunch - nothing; Dinner - omelet w/2 pieces of toast, sandwich, 2 slices of toast

Today (Sunday): Breakfast - nothing; Lunch - nothing; Dinner: 2 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of bacon-wrapped shrimp, 8 mini-muffins

Looking at what I ate this weekend, I can't help feeling I'm still eating too much. I REALLy need to go running. Tomorrow, I have to manage the stupid Boys Lax team. I got in trouble because I've been skipping their games to go run, but they don't understand I NEED to run and get rid of the fat I'm getting from eating too much. It's all so annoying. Anyways, I'm LOVING this Gospel CD.
Current Mood:
calm calm
Current Music:
Amazing Mixed Gospel CD
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My mom is doing it again. She's telling me I need to lose weight, that I'm too fat to wear my clothes, and that I need to start exercising again. The thing is, I already exercise everyday after-school - I run. She actually started screaming at me in my room then continued her tirade all the way to my school. By the time I got there, I was in tears. I hate her. I hate feeling like some kind of over-weight blob. I told her to stop callin me fat and to stop telling me I should eat less because it makes me STOP eating. She only said, "I'm not telling you to be anorexic or bulimic, I'm just telling you to figure out how to get rid of the weight". I've been struggling with Anorexia since 6th grade! I never tell anyone about that, but my sister knows and my mom could care less. When she sees that I've lost weight she acts as if it's some kind of great accomplishment or something. She constantly tells me how when she was younger she never gained any weight, but I'm NOT her. I have a bigger chest than she does or ever did and basically am just more built. I'm athletic, but she only sees me as fat. I wish there was someone I could ask about it. I don't wanna get near a scale because scales also cause me to regress. I've been really trying to get past it, but then something like this happens. You know what I ate today?

Breakfast - nothing, lunch - small bowl of soup and weak salad, Dinner- 6 donut holes and a slice of bologna and a slice of cheese NO bread.

Well, I can see how the donut holes seem out of place, but I went running AFTER eating THREE then LATER ate THREE more after I finished running. I guess maybe I do eat a little too much. I don't know. Looking at this list I feel like I did eat too much. I hate this! God, I do. I go around wandering if I'm just some fat piece of lard. I wish I could find a boy right now who would look deep into my eyes and say honestly and heart-felt, "You're beautiful just the way you are". But there's no boy doing that and I hate second-guessing myself. I e-mailed Elise and told her how I felt. She always was the only one who understood. She's recovering, too. So, I feel a little guilty telling her about me starting up again. I hope she doesn't regress, I'll never forgive myself if I'm the cause. She said she was still cutting, though, which was always a little too crazy for me. I told her how a nun had approached me about moving into a home for girls until I finished school so I could get away from my mom and Elise thinks I should go. This morning it told all my will-power to resist dialing the nun's number right then and there. I was a complete mess. I couldn't stop crying and I tried so hard. I hate that bitch! I just walked out of class and didn't go back. No one came looking for me either, because it doesn't matter. It never does. Who gives a shit if I shed a few tears - nobody that's who. Who gives a shit about me period? God, this is so fucked up. I told Jenee' and I hate telling her bad news, she's such a happy and light-hearted person. Sometimes I try to keep it all inside, but I couldn't - I felt like I was going to explode. My life is so crazy right now. I have so many things to do and no time to do it in either. That's why this is my first entry in so long, but I have to write this down, I have to get out all the emotions running through me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to eat less and run more like today I just kept going, but no matter what she always tells me that I'm too inactive and that I need to exercise more. But damn it, I'm trying!!!
Current Mood:
crappy crappy
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You can stop hiding - it's gone now. Yes, my inexplicable need to complusively post my quiz results is gone. I promise. Like I said, I'm bored and it was something to do. Especially since the results were so interesting. If anyone puts any stock in quiz results, I guess now you know a little more about me. If not, you gotta admit the quiz results do brighten up my journal. It has such a drab background. You're probally thinking, "Gawd yes, it does. Why'd you pick it?" If you look at my very first entry, you can get a pretty good idea of my state of mind at the time and my state of mind was depressed. The delicate writing appealed to me and the plain background didn't offend me. Because depressed people really don't like cheery, happy colors. Cheery, happy colors seem really insencire and when you're feeling down insencirty really pisses you off. Ok, so now I'm starting to ramble a little, but I'm not completely focused so bear with me. But I haven't changed my background since then because I really kinda like it. So, hopefully that answers that. Ha, I'm talking to this boy on AIM right now that I met thanks to some drama started by my ever-instigating younger sister, but that's a WHOLE different story and I'm not SO bored that I really wanna tell it. But he thinks I'm smart and he asked if I as a philosopher. Ha! I hope to one day be so wise that people actually admire my ideas and consider them good enough to discuss, study, and implement. Yea rite, but frankly, I'm flattered. It's a real compliment. But whatever, he probably really thinks I'm a HUGE nerd, and is jus saying that because it's frickin' 2 o'clock in the morning and he's got no one else to talk to. Well, I'm going to go to sleep because tomrrow Jenee' and I are going to the mall and might catch that new scary movie coming out, what's it called? The one about the gamers who die in real life? Yeah, I just looked it up, It's called "Stay Alive". oOo, How spooky! Yeah, right. Lame title, hopefully the movie will be better.
Current Mood:
amused amused
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You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.
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You Are 44% Happy

You're definitely a happy person, even though you have your down moments.
You tend to get the most out of life, though there's always some more happiness to be squeezed.
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You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.
You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.
Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.
And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!
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