My mom is doing it again. She's telling me I need to lose weight, that I'm too fat to wear my clothes, and that I need to start exercising again. The thing is, I already exercise everyday after-school - I run. She actually started screaming at me in my room then continued her tirade all the way to my school. By the time I got there, I was in tears. I hate her. I hate feeling like some kind of over-weight blob. I told her to stop callin me fat and to stop telling me I should eat less because it makes me STOP eating. She only said, "I'm not telling you to be anorexic or bulimic, I'm just telling you to figure out how to get rid of the weight". I've been struggling with Anorexia since 6th grade! I never tell anyone about that, but my sister knows and my mom could care less. When she sees that I've lost weight she acts as if it's some kind of great accomplishment or something. She constantly tells me how when she was younger she never gained any weight, but I'm NOT her. I have a bigger chest than she does or ever did and basically am just more built. I'm athletic, but she only sees me as fat. I wish there was someone I could ask about it. I don't wanna get near a scale because scales also cause me to regress. I've been really trying to get past it, but then something like this happens. You know what I ate today?
Breakfast - nothing, lunch - small bowl of soup and weak salad, Dinner- 6 donut holes and a slice of bologna and a slice of cheese NO bread.
Well, I can see how the donut holes seem out of place, but I went running AFTER eating THREE then LATER ate THREE more after I finished running. I guess maybe I do eat a little too much. I don't know. Looking at this list I feel like I did eat too much. I hate this! God, I do. I go around wandering if I'm just some fat piece of lard. I wish I could find a boy right now who would look deep into my eyes and say honestly and heart-felt, "You're beautiful just the way you are". But there's no boy doing that and I hate second-guessing myself. I e-mailed Elise and told her how I felt. She always was the only one who understood. She's recovering, too. So, I feel a little guilty telling her about me starting up again. I hope she doesn't regress, I'll never forgive myself if I'm the cause. She said she was still cutting, though, which was always a little too crazy for me. I told her how a nun had approached me about moving into a home for girls until I finished school so I could get away from my mom and Elise thinks I should go. This morning it told all my will-power to resist dialing the nun's number right then and there. I was a complete mess. I couldn't stop crying and I tried so hard. I hate that bitch! I just walked out of class and didn't go back. No one came looking for me either, because it doesn't matter. It never does. Who gives a shit if I shed a few tears - nobody that's who. Who gives a shit about me period? God, this is so fucked up. I told Jenee' and I hate telling her bad news, she's such a happy and light-hearted person. Sometimes I try to keep it all inside, but I couldn't - I felt like I was going to explode. My life is so crazy right now. I have so many things to do and no time to do it in either. That's why this is my first entry in so long, but I have to write this down, I have to get out all the emotions running through me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to eat less and run more like today I just kept going, but no matter what she always tells me that I'm too inactive and that I need to exercise more. But damn it, I'm trying!!!